The Past

April 10, 2017

The past has been creeping on me lately, reminding me of the person that I used to be, the person that had a lot of anger that fueled her every move. I have allowed these thoughts to start consuming my mind and as the days go by it's becoming difficult to let these thoughts and painful memories go. I can't sit here and tell you what triggered it because I do not know, they have been coming sporadically. The other day as I was working out, I got angry all of the sudden and started working out harder and harder, trust me I'm paying for it now, my body is in pain. When my workout ended, I sat in my black mat for a couple of minutes, full of sweat, shaking my head not understanding where these feelings were coming from. As I sat there I realized I have allowed these past mistakes, thoughts, memories haunt me and I've embraced there every move. 

Anger can be dangerous, it can cause you a lot of heartache and pain, this includes physical pain too. I decided that I couldn't go on feeling like this, so I took a day to myself {the day I post this} to not do anything, to take some personal time for myself, time to pray, meditate, breathe. The past can be difficult to ignore, when you are faced with things, places and people from your past you are faced with the reality of all those emotions. Honestly, I think I needed to feel all of these emotions, I just didn't think they would all come down at once. dang. cut your girl a break. They did and all I can do about them now is move forward and do something that I haven't done in a long, long time. I need to learn to forgive myself.

Yes, there are things in my past I rather not discuss, people I want to forget and places that bring back not so great times. But these are also things that I need to face in my own time and remind myself that all that happened then cannot affect me now if I just learned to forgive myself and my mistakes. I'm good about owning to my mistakes and I can say I am sorry when I am wrong, I have no problem with that. I guess the one thing I have to work on is forgiving myself for hurting others with my words and actions. That is the root of my problem and the fact that now I have written it for you all to see makes it all too real for me. My friends don't even know this. You can't be fooled by what you see on social media, people can smile and joke around but you really never know that they are going through inside.

"Do not let your past define you." 

It's easier said than done especially if your past is something that is filled with more bad memories than good ones. No one truly believes me when I tell them I was ruthless growing up, I didn't care about other people nor their emotions. I didn't care if what I said offended you, I would speak my mind and tell you what I thought without thinking about it. Growing up I had a handful of friends who knew I was the type of person that didn't really care about others and the very few that were close to me back then knew that it came from a place of hurt, of being rejected by my own father. I used that anger and bitterness and I used to it hurt a lot of people. And for that I am sorry, I am truly sorry for all the pain I caused many. 

Today, I want to make it my mission to live a happier life, loving others, being more open, embracing new friendships, helping others. Today, I find joy in those things, I've removed negative people out of my life and believe it or not that has also included family. Although, that can be tough sometimes for one's life it is necessary. The past, my past will not define my future, it will not define my tomorrow nor my today. If your past has been haunting you at all or any part of your past take that part, dissect it, and if you need to forgive someone or yourself, do it. Living in peace with yourself is so important, peace of mind can only be found within. To get there we need to learn forgiveness of oneself. 

That is what I am working on, this post wasn't the easiest to write but it comes from my emotions, raw and real. Thank you for reading, for your support, for being my sounding board. 


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